In the 30 years since I became a sex therapist, I have seen frustrated, sad and confused people who lie in bed at night next to a companion they feel estranged from, not knowing not how to bridge the gap. They want to reconnect but don’t know how to do it. And then they get to a point where they’re wondering, and me, whether they should stay in the relationship or leave. This is asking the wrong question.
I have a bulletin board in my office with quotes. My answer to their question begins with this quote from Terry Real: “Am I getting enough in this relationship to make it worth grieving for what I don’t get?” In other words, is there more good than bad? And how do I mourn what I don’t get, without punishing my companion? How does this grief relate to my story? How can I find compassion for both of us?
Since many people are in relationships looking for validation and reassurance that they are lovable/wanted/wanted, the prospect of giving up on this can seem intolerable. The typical desire for intimacy is more a need for a reflective sense of self than self-knowledge. Still, there’s no better way to get to know each other and grow than to be in a relationship.
So the next time you’re wondering if you should endure the pain of leaving or the pain of staying, remember that’s the wrong question to ask.